‘Tis the Season

Hello everyone, I know, I know, it has been a bit since I have written. I hope I can get my words out correctly for you to understand why it’s been awhile. I am still determined to help as many, if even just one person, from having a heart attack or help understand life after. Seasoning the Heart is not just about food, it’s about life and sharing how a heart attack can effect you, how a heart attack in your family can effect everyone involved. Since Thanksgiving I have struggled physically and mentally with my body, of course I knew it would take time to get Christmas decorations up, but the mental understanding of what my body was capable of, I was not prepared for.

We stayed home for Thanksgiving this year, as I wrote previously here. It was very nice to not rush this year getting food prepared, being somewhere at a certain time. We have a tradition of putting our Christmas tree up Thanksgiving night. Jeff and the boys brought the tree up a couple days before Thanksgiving and I managed to get a couple sections put together. I have to fluff my tree to make sure it’s full and beautiful, the Smith boys in our home are not quite to the desired capability of getting the tree prepped. Putting ornaments on, they’re on that, but prepping ahead of decorating, no way. Our Christmas tree is 12 foot tall so we need to pull out the ladder to get it all done. We can also use our landing on our staircase to reach the top and one side of the tree. By now 5 months post HA I'm use to getting tired physically, but adding in ladders and reaching in and out of the tree for the lights was on a whole other level of exhaustion. For those of you wondering, I believe lights go in and out of the tree limbs, not just wrapping in circles, lol, I’m picky. I come by the picky decorating honestly, my mom was this way and a degree for Interior Design, it’s naturally in my blood. It should make sense now, my boys do not want any part of the prepping, lol.

Lisa made it in for Thanksgiving and I’m so thankful she was there to help us. She was a great runner, she only needed to run to the store I believe 3 times for lights for our tree. Isn’t there a saying, third times a charm. It doesn’t seem bad of going back and forth to the store, but this was over three days, for one tree. Our tree takes one day normally to decorate. Thankfully everyone helped and went at my speed. It could be me getting a few strands of lights on at a time, to just one strand at a time and I would need to sit and rest. Up and down a ladder will wear you out after a HA, there are reasons why I was not allowed to do stairs for 3 months post HA. Of course realizing the tree wasn’t getting up in one day has me thinking, I'm exhausted, can I get all of the decorations up? I still am working on my Christmas village, the kids love it and I do not want to let them down.

Lisa will help with it, another trip to the store of course for greenery, here is where I'm not sure how many trips that weekend Lisa took for me to the store. I’m sure you’re wondering, why not check everything you need and just go one time to the store. That would be amazing right? My brain is not functioning, lol, I make a list take it to the store, get home and realize I only did have the list and forgot about it. I call this the “squirrel effect”, you know what this is, right? Dog happily walking along, sees a squirrel and has no clue what his original path was, takes off after squirrel or just flat out gets distracted. Yes, thats me, I say that a lot about my son Walker, teenage boys live in the squirrel effect, but I’m winning the squirrel award since my HA.

I’m thinking, can I do this, can I get the decorations done for Christmas this year? What if I don’t do everything? Jeff of course has the lights on the house, nothing to worry there. Outside, what am I doing? Lisa is still here she can help. She’s not going up a step ladder, that’s her story to tell, lol. I can get the greenery around the doors and wreaths up they’re simple. Why can’t l just let someone else do this for me? Nope, I’m good, I can do it.

I have been been decorating for Christmas since I can remember. My family has always decorated beautifully this time of the year, even our church was done from my family. Of course I was going to help this year. Here we are again, we had help of course at the church, but 4 days for me to get my part of the decorating done. Yet, I can‘t let go of responsibilities of what I have been capable of doing over all of these years. Very thankful again of everyone around me understanding my limits and always there if I need to stop.

On top of the decorating and baking this time of the year, the boys are both involved with wrestling. Between the two we have been to three to four meets each week since Thanksgiving. I’m always there to support the boys and of course the team. After this week I have unfortunately reached my limit. I have finally realized I can not do all of it, no matter how bad I want too be there to support them. Bayler’s meets have been out of town lately and even riding to these meets are exhausting me. A couple of the meets Walker and Bayler have been in the same town and schools so we’ve been keeping up with seeing both. Yet, I can not do it all, I have had to make the decision to stay in town for this past week. This has caused me to miss the last few meets for Bay and miss one of Walkers. I pray staying home will give me enough strength to get to Baylers last two events next week, being only 30 minutes away for both meets. I have been able to see Walkers matches this week so that is good.

As a mom and knowing everything you’re capable of doing has now come to, at this time a standstill is hard to mentally process, for me it is. I fight every day not to breakdown and cry because I’m exhausted. My doctors have been amazing and should not need to keep reminding me it can take a year to heal, but yet I need the reassurance it takes time. I need to be told it’s alright not do it all, because I'm struggling with not being capable of getting it done. I’m the strong one, always have been. I don’t cry because I know life goes on and it will work out, but I can’t control it now. I can’t control my body right now and I have to give it time. I have said this before, my body did not let me down, I let my body down for not paying attention, nor taking care of it like I should, I’m now letting my body down for not giving it time to rest. I am realizing now, I can’t do it all and that is a fight within me. I want to be back in shape and active to keep up with my kids, to decorate my home for my children and friends to have wonderful memories of our home at Christmas. When you are so used to being able to do things for years and realizing you can’t, is mentally draining. There is a discussion going on in a heart attack group that I’m in right now over how hard it is to let go of things you were capable of, now you’re not. Being able to walk a mile without a issue, to still struggling because you have to go slower is draining. Sleeping 10-12 hours a night at times because you’re body is telling you to stop, effects you. I don’t want to sleep my days away, but I can’t get up. I don’t want to be sleeping through my boys going to school, but I’m very thankful Jeff is able to help and always take the boys to school or the bus to get to a sporting event. It’s hard to realize mentally and physically how a HA can effect you. Not everyone that has a HA is effected this way, but because I waited and ignored symptoms I damaged my heart. I thank God I’m still here and the damaged portion of my heart did start functioning, 4 months ago my drs did not believe it would. It is so hard to process in your mind what has happened and for me, the holidays have woke me up to how close I was to not being here, I knew my HA was a severe one, but until I really started to push to my normal activities 5 months after and still not able to do it, is a wake up call. I still have to get my body figured out between medications and exhaustion, I do not want to be on medications my whole life and yes, I can get off of my medications. I’m working on recipes to share with you, to help you, but also for myself and my family to keep us healthy, so we can continue to decorate at Christmas for years to come.

Im tired of being tired, but I’m still here and learning mentally and physically to do it all, just at a slower speed. If something isn’t able to be done, I’m going to be okay with it.

What is something you always decorate this time of the year? A special ornament, a scent from something delicious baking in the kitchen?