Not what I expected...

I have said since my HA I would be honest and share as much as I could about my journey, determined to help prevent someone else from having a heart attack.

My shirt, “You‘ve got this” came at the right time and brought happy tears from an old friend.

When I decided to share about life after a HA I did not expect to be discussing depression. Depression is something you don't want to talk about, especially when you’re the one with it. Depression has its own stereotype, you can be seen as weak if you let people know. Do you want to know what depression can be, confusion, feeling lost, not knowing you have depression. Depression can mask itself, you know something‘s wrong, but you can’t figure out what it is. You can’t seem to get a grasp on the energy or your focus, do you want to get up and do something with your kids, do you want to go to the gym and feel better, do you want to get up and clean your house? You're just not sure, can your heart be struggling to heal? You’re doing everything you’re to be doing, your heart is getting stronger, right? Why am I so tired?

Dr. Roy C. Ziegelstein with John Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, studies depression and heart disease. This excerpt is from Hopkinsmedicine.org

Psychological impact of a heart attack

A heart attack can impact much more than a person’s heart. It can affect many other aspects of a person’s life, including:

* Attitude and mood

* Sense of certainty about the future

* Confidence about one’s ability to fulfill the roles of a productive employee, mother, father, daughter or son

* Feelings of guilt about previous habits that might have increased the persons heart attack risk

* Embarrassment and self-doubt over diminished physical capabilities

Most heart attack survivors are able to return to the roles and responsibilities they had before their heart attack. When uncertainty and anxiety become debilitating and interfere with the daily functions of life, then the process of rehabilitation and recovery after the heart attack may need to include psychological and psychiatric support, and perhaps medication for depression.

You can show no previous history of depression and a HA can cause you to go into depression. Many things can trigger it after a HA, but it’s not always obvious why and when, if it even starts. Please do not believe everyone that has a HA will have depression. It can also not be a severe case, which I believe mine is not, but it was enough I knew I needed to reach out. Depression in women with heart disease is more common than in men. Which, I do not believe is a shocker. Symptoms for depression is three times more common in patients after a HA. Average depression runs around one out of ten in people over 18.

Lets think about this for a minute, one in three women will die on average every minute from a heart attack. Now let’s think about those that will have a HA and follow with depression. A third of the women die, take another third are likely to have depression. This is my mathematics and i wasn’t great in math, but I’m close on these numbers. More women in their 30’s and 40’s are having HA’s every year, these are moms of young kids. Don’t get me wrong, there are grandmas too that are struggling, but we as a society need to wake up and look at our health. It not only effects the individual, it effects the family as well. I want my boys to see me happy, well unless they are in trouble of course, I’m not happy. The other night one of the boys and I saw a memory on Facebook and he said I looked so different now. What?! Yes, I’ve put weight back on and I’m trying to get it lined back out, but what he said next was, out of the mouths of babes, they speak what they see. Mom, you just look tired all of the time now. Of course I haven’t ever been one to wear makeup, but wow. He wasn’t wrong I see it too.

I knew after my scare at the lake with Bay to the ER, you can read here, something needed to change. When I scheduled my follow up with my PC, I told her I felt better right after my HA then I do now. Thankful for a PC that listens and researches and does tests, even though that just means more blood draws. As she listened to what had been going on, we agreed it was time to take action and to get my life back in control for me.

As we came up on the holidays I had felt I kept lacking in motivation. The thoughts of many HA survivors, I’m lucky to be celebrating with my family this year, I can’t believe I’m here for another year. Let’s hope this year is better than last. You constantly have thoughts running through your head and 8 months post HA, I still wake up every morning thinking I had a HA. Survivors say it will pass with the thoughts, but there is no set timeline. Of course it would be to easy to say it only lasts 3 months, but come on, we are not that lucky.

I just wanted to share this with you all, I have all kinds of recipes and topics to share and let’s not forget its garden prepping season. I want to get back to writing at least once a week for you and for me. I’m officially on meds for depression and can feel my energy coming back, motivation to do more. I want my new found weight that I have put back on, off. I know I will come back stronger even more determined to help someone with their heart. After the past few months, I’m seeing the bright side again.

For my readers, this is not a sympathy post, this is the realization of what a HA can do to you. Raise awareness, so we can stop HA’s being the number one killer in women.